Three Sacred Words

Keeping Faith by Barbara Helvey Hughes
 
While in college, my mom wrote me at least one letter a week: sometimes, more. In those letters she gave pep talks, caught me up on local news about classmates, told me the latest gossip (never anything all that ‘juicy’ as she seldom spoke ill of others), asked about my college life and studies etc., etc. She closed every letter, and I do mean EVERY letter with these three words (after God bless and keep you): Keep the Faith. She did not vary her closure and because of it, the idea of keeping faith and believing was ingrained into me, during ‘the best of times and the worst of times’.
 
I kept mom’s letters. They moved with me from Bloomington to all the places I lived and, finally, when we moved from Maryland to Florida I was forced to sort through them simply by virtue of the fact that I had accumulated so much paper through the years. I kept the ‘most important’ ones. But, to me, it was difficult because they were all “the most important ones”.
 
My dear mother died in my arms: as she promised. After her death, I took on the task of sorting through her mountains of correspondence and when I came to the box, which held my own letters to her, it was painful, squared. I read through all of them ~ letters I’d written to her when I was faltering in college; when I excelled and asked permission to declare a third major (physics) which would have added yet another two years to my studies (answer ~ no); a letter telling her I’d been chosen as the first ‘University Tutor’ and my students were to be returning Viet Nam vets, then, later, explaining the horror, the anguish I felt as they broke down, one by one, and revealed their secrets, just to be shed of such negative energy; a letter from Africa, when I was delirious with malaria and was certain I would never see my mom again.
 
I found painful letters after a doctor blinded me, permanently, in my right eye and the entire staff met with me to explain the photophobia I suffered through was an indication that, almost certainly, my left eye would soon go blind, in sympathy ~ AND, my letter explaining to her that I had to leave for Europe almost immediately if I was to see the Louvre and Mona, and El Greco’s studio, in Toledo, which I was, then, obsessed with; letters I wrote while in college publishing explaining why I did not want this or that promotion to NYC and reminding her I was, after all, a simple country girl; a letter describing conversations with Linus Pauling, assuring her she was NOT responsible for my brother getting polio (she always felt she was). (Yep, I’m name dropping….)
 
I found letters describing my host in the Ivory Coast, General Emeka Ojukwu and how he, and his then wife, Stella, had surely saved my life as I suffered through malaria ~ how we’d drunk Courvoisier every night (….that I could sit upright) and how we both loved playing Scrabble (I lost miserably to him); the Piper Cub (a plane I knew well and had flown in college) trip into Cote d’Ivoire’s interior to witness masses of wild elephants; my failure at finding craftsmen to make the silver bracelets my partners wanted for our business (one of the purposes of the trip)…..my fears.
 
I found a letter detailing my first college publishing meeting with Neal Armstrong and how the other (male) college reps had set me up for a huge failure (as a joke) and how incredibly wonderful it turned out. There were letters discussing a possible move to California, then Florida. Letters when I feigned happiness as I traveled the world, alone and lost. Letters from Paris, from London and describing a promised tour of St. Paul’s Cathedral. Letters telling her about Jack and, later, about our lives as we raised Chris ~ both our successes and our failures, my Loves and fears, my sorrows and joys.
 
I found the letters I’d written to her, explaining my alcoholism, just to prepare her for my visit and for my doing as instructed and making amends for past behaviours. Sad letters. Letters filled with excitement and wonder as I navigated the situations and experiences of my life as best I could. Letters. Letters. Letters.

My closings mirrored hers, only not as decisive, perhaps because I had travelled so far from home and seen so much wonder, so much injustice and devastation and everything in between, because, you see, I could never simply look away. So, I signed off “Keeping Faith”, “Keeping the Faith” or more often than not, “Trying to Keep the Faith”
 
My life has been a series of Spiritual battles: some hard won and some grave defeats (which taught me the hardest lessons). All, important for my enduring and endeavours; for my fractured understanding of events, Loves, decisions ~ for my life, in its entirety. The forest or the trees? Both. At various times.
 
From 1982, onward, my AA sponsor, Jean-Marie often said this to me: “Pretend you believe, even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Keep pretending, until you do, because it WILL and YOU will! Have faith, in the process and in your ‘self’.”
 
My life has, also, been an ongoing series of prayers and promises. Keeping faith has allowed me to successfully decipher some very deep and immense secrets. As have we all, I have fought hard battles, I have run mean-spirited gauntlets, I have waged war against my ego and both lost and won those wars. I have surrendered, sure I faced demise, only to rise higher than I’d thought ever possible for one as limited in so many ways, as I.
I have surrendered.
I have surrendered.
I surrender, even now.
 
We are indoctrinated from our earliest years to BELIEVE. Winning is everything. That, if we will only Keep the Faith, it will all “work out for us” (which translates to – we will WIN). It has taken the entirety of my life to realize that we ALWAYS win, regardless of our perceived outcome. We are all, always, the winners because within each experience, each moment ~ lives the opportunity to learn a new facet of Love: forgiveness, patience, compassion, trust, tolerance, gratitude, joy etc., etc.
 
There is, ever, something more to internalize. Some additional ‘weapon’ for our Spiritual arsenals and which we can readily use in our battles and wars against our egos. Surely, when ego/fear wins ~ Love/Spirit ‘suffers’. For how long, is entirely up to each of us. Me? Sadly, I’ve been known to engage, for years. How many times have I lain on that battlefield, weary and bloodied? Too many? Just enough? “Everything’s Freakin’ Perfect”, right?
 
So, mom’s suggestion, which was used so brilliantly and repeatedly over my six years in college, ten years in college publishing, into the decades of marriage and motherhood and right up until she tore from her earthly existence, back to her genuine existence, never wavered or faltered regardless of the traumas she, or I, were going through at the time: KEEP THE FAITH.
 
I do not always succeed, Mom, but (you know) I do always TRY. Those three words have served me incredibly well during this life. I am grateful I had Mom and her wisdom. I pass along that wisdom to all of you, as you proceed through the days of your lives:
KEEP THE FAITH.
 
LATER:
It’s easy to keep faith when everything in our lives goes according to plan, or, better than we think it might.  It’s incredibly difficult to stay on the beam when things are tough, and circumstances aren’t what we expect or believe they ‘should’ be.  Expectations….
 
Owning any retail business is a testament to faith, tenacity, hope and courage.  How do we create an environment, which thrives during all of life’s ups and downs?  How do we trust in the perfection of the universe, the supreme insight of God or the goodness and purpose of Everything when our path seems, so often, strewn with obstacles and we feel as if we’re running some bizarre gauntlet most days?  How do we succeed when we sense forces are galvanized against us, roaring toward us and overwhelming us?  Faith?  It’s just a word.  How can it evolve into an anchor for us, so we believe we walk this path equipped to live our potential and equipped to rise?   Because life CAN and MUST BE more, if we are to walk with faith.   Otherwise, we sink into the quicksand of doubt and disbelief ~ that’s not where I intend to be.  It’s not where most of us intend to be, and yet, we often end up at that very impasse.
 
Thomas said ‘If you bring forth that which is within you, that which is within you will save you.  If you do not bring forth that which is within you, that which is within you will destroy you.’  When Jack and I were exhibiting jewelers at outdoor art and craft shows, I was at a show one weekend when a woman I did not know walked past our booth, stopped, we caught one another’s eye and she returned, saying this, “You might think I’m crazy, but as I passed you, a voice told me to return and tell you this:  if you try to do something you aren’t supposed to do, the angels themselves will block your way.”  I told her I understood and thanked her as she walked away.  That was twenty-five years ago.  I didn’t really understand but DID have an inkling of what her message might mean.  Now?  Maybe I’m not as ‘smart’ as I think I am; or, maybe, I am smarter (ie more intuitive) The jury is still out.  Ultimately the jury is me.  And, you.
 
What does it all mean, this life we live?  How do we walk in faith, in trust, in knowing ~ how do we nurture a ‘more than surface’ ~ a permeating understanding that circumstances continually shift, and life is TRULY perfect, regardless of how it might seem?  These are questions many of us ponder.
 
I don’t believe we are tested.  I believe in challenges, in choices, in intentions and I believe that when we put our finest efforts out there, eventually, they circle back, and we MOVE FORWARD.  Of course, I might be wrong; but I can only think, respond and act based upon my unique life and what I’ve experienced and interpreted.  So, it follows that if I do my best, eventually, it returns in the form of blessings.  Might not be the blessing I’d hoped for or expected, but a blessing, nonetheless.  It’s up to me to see it, to acknowledge it and to understand it and how ‘it’ might add to my Spiritual experience while my Soul walks around earth, encased inside this organic shell….
 
My son and I chatted this morning about the trials and tribulations of owning a small business.  There are no guarantees for anything in this life: we put our efforts out there and sometimes we succeed, at other times we don’t.  Or, maybe, we just THINK we don’t.  Perhaps, we ALWAYS succeed ~ just by getting out of bed every morning and trying ~ doing our best.  Because, really, our best IS always good enough.  Maybe the only thing we’re ‘required’ to do is simply to show up ~ make the effort.  BELIEVE.  KEEP FAITH.  
 
Yeah ~ I’m going with that (and prayers/intentions).
 
Originally written early 2017 for all those who need reminding, including me.