Dis-order.
Disorder by Barbara Helvey Hughes, 4-6-2020
“If I feel a disorder in my attachment to a person, to a job or position, to a certain dwelling place, a certain city, country and so on, I should take it to the Lord and pray insistently to be given the grace to free myself from such disorder. What I want, above all, is the ability to respond freely to God and all other Loves for people, places and things are held in proper perspective by the Light and Strength of God’s grace.”
Attributed to St. Ignacio de Loyola, but when I called a Jesuit school thirty years ago and asked about this prayer, I was told it was not written by Ignatius. It, rather, sounded like something one of his early followers might have written. Nonetheless, I Love this prayer/intention and find comfort repeating it, during life’s troubled times. I silently recited it, today.
I was given this prayer by my AA sponsor, when I first got sobre. Many years ago. It has accompanied me through every upheaval, every loss, each joy; as I consider all my challenges, intentions, decisions; as I question; as I surrender ~ as I embrace or release; in all aspects of my personal life, since before I was married, before I had a wonderful child, before I ran businesses; it accompanied me as I travelled the world, as I made enormous discoveries ~ during times of elation. It attended me as I found myself in danger, when I became so ill I believed I would probably die; I embrace it as I push my boundaries, plow through fears, invite successes, learn that things are seldom what they seem and often far more profound than I ever suspected. It helps guide me ~ my Soul, my heart, my thoughts ~ through everything and I, often, return to these few sentences.
We all hold private tenets: we keep our deepest uncertainties and beliefs to ourselves. Sometimes, the world and all the daily distractions and manipulations tear at our thoughts so dearly, it seems we simply can’t possibly know what to think, how to feel.
How DO we begin to evaluate all the information (real and false) ~ all the disorder, the disruption ~ thrown at us, all the time? Maybe we simply find a method, which works for our individual needs and we use it the best we know how, putting one foot in front of the other. Yeah, I’ve done that. I’ve been known to employ many distracting behaviours in order to NOT have to master, or even look at, some lesson I know I’m meant to learn; but those lessons have a way of finding us, pestering us through lots and lots of relationships, situations and experiences, until at long last the lightbulb blinks on and we make a leap. Or, it might just be we take ‘intuitive’ leaps and don’t dive deep into understanding what we intend to learn. That’s when the repetition starts, in earnest. That’s when, snared inside frustration, we ask ourselves this pertinent question: Okay, when does this STOP? We may not acknowledge, understand or like the answer but, the lesson repeats itself, repeats itself.
It matters not what god or God or whatever you believe in ~ or don’t. It’s not a requirement to belong to this group: the species Homo Sapiens. And we can each invite in, or battle with, as much disorder as we choose.
This much I know (as Tolkien so eloquently said): “The Road goes ever on and on…”, we NEED tools to power or pause our way through this Gift/Gauntlet called life. This tool, one of my constants, happens to be a Prayer. And, I murmur it often. So….
“If I feel a disorder in my attachment to a person, to a job or position, to a certain dwelling place, a certain city, country and so on, I should take it to the Lord and pray insistently to be given the grace to free myself from such disorder. What I want, above all, is the ability to respond freely to God and all other Loves for people, places and things are held in proper perspective by the Light and Strength of God’s grace.”